Saturday, March 1, 2014

Hard and Bad are not the Same

Recently I was driving a new friend home and she was asking about my job. I told her the ins and outs of what it looked like to spend my life loving college students, how my heart beats for discipling women and how I praise God each month I get a paycheck because I have the most amazing team of supporters.

As we talked about support raising, I told her of my journey. That is was hard and long but so so good because I got to see show up in so many ways. When speaking of my seasons of support raising it is easy for me to say "Hard and Bad are not the same"

But then when some of your best friends look into your life and help you see how you are drowning and need to let some things go, it's so much harder to say "Hard and Bad are not the same"

Because of the love, wisdom, and prayers of two women who I trust and respect I've decided to step away from my roles and responsibilities on the internet for a season.

You see, over the last couple years I've gotten really good at saying YES and really bad at saying NO. I've found that I like to be needed, I like being able to say yes to a need simply because it is a need. My pride and insecurities have been fueled by saying yes when I'm needed. I would see an area that needed hands or feet and I would just jump in. I said yes, not because it was the best fit for my gifts, passions and personality, but because I could.

So I kept saying yes because I like feeling needed. And then because I was listening to the voice of pride within me, I didn't know how to tell anyone that I couldn't handle it anymore.

I felt like I was drowning in the internet. From logging into facebook and getting literally hundreds of notifications daily, to being so behind on my emails that I just wanted to delete everything. My to-do list was perpetually long, as soon as I accomplished one thing, I had 5 more things to add. I felt like I was trying to scoop up sand, I couldn't gather faster than it was falling through my fingers.

All I wanted to do was hide in a corner and cry. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even verbalize how desperately I needed help.

Thank you Jesus for dear friends who could see my mess.

Over coffee, my tears flowed as my sweet friend helped me climb out of my pit. She helped draw the lines where I needed to say no, she gave me the courage to be okay with not being perfect, she pointed me to Jesus the only One who could really save me.

But for as much as I feel relief, it is hard to say goodbye to something you love.

I am sad. It is hard. It feels like I've failed.

But Hard and Bad are not the same.

I've never felt so tenderly and personally loved by Jesus as I have this week. From prayer nights, to coffee dates, to very specific scriptures, the Lord's grace has been flowing over me this week. His lovingkidness has been magnified in my soul this week. It has been such a blessing.

Because Hard and Bad are not the same.

God is good.

(I'm taking a few months to go back to the basics- sharing the gospel, discipling girls, building community and most importantly being with Jesus. I'm stepping back from my roles at Missional Women (both the site and the conference), blogging here, and spending far less time on social media. Thank you for your grace. I love you dear friends)

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Where I laugh at a Hurricane {The Girl Behind the Blog}

Nothing like a good ol fashioned Girl Behind the Blog to get you back into blogging after Christmas break right? It's been crazy over here (with planning this and organizing this and ministry starting back up) but I'm thrilled to be back and have tons of cute things to show you soon!

Also, I just found out that I have asthma and so that's why I sound like I just ran up a flight of stairs the whole video. But the doc and I are working on a routine so I should be good soon :)

I am so glad that we are all back hanging out at Ashley's and I hope that YOU link up your best vacation story too! Head on over to Written on Her Heart and Ballpoint and Pen to see the rest of the videos!


Saturday, December 14, 2013

An Open Letter to the Young, Single Girl

Hi friend,

Can I take you out for coffee? I'll order a vanilla latte extra hot and we can sit in the comfy chairs. My feet are tucked up under me and I lean in close to hear about your life.

You excitedly tell me all about your life. You tell me about your childhood and how you came to know Jesus. I ask about your family, your major, your roommates. We bond over our love of sparkly things and our hyper-competitive spirits. And because it's inevitable we start talking about boys, dating, singleness.

Oh sister, I hear you. You're new to college and there are so many cute boys. You meet guys who passionately love Jesus, maybe for the first time in your life. You have friends who are dating, maybe even friends getting married. It all seems so alluring and your heart aches. You want someone to lean over and whisper questions too during church, someone to text all your silly questions to, someone that will go with you when you don't want to go somewhere alone. You confess your fears that you might not ever get married.

Oh friend, I get it. Sometimes my heart aches for those things too. My initial reaction is to tell you "Oh honey, you're only 18, you have time! Don't worry!" and while that's true, it's not what I tell you.

Because the truth is that your fears and your feelings are real no matter your age.

Please friend, don't let me become that cynical older single woman who says "Oh you don't even know"

Because you do. You have feelings and fears and you know what it's like.

But sister, hear me on this. Those fears and feelings are real but they are not what should direct your life. Because the truth is that neither of us know if a husband is in the future. We don't know if that cute boy in our science class will ask for our number.

The one thing you can be sure will happen? Jesus will be there your whole life. He is our Emmanuel, the God who is with us. And even more so, He has given us His word, His perfect and unfailing word. That is your hope sweet little sister, that God and His promises are true. That He is the true lover of your soul.

Your fears and feelings, they will be ever-changing. They will ebb and flow through different ages and different boys. But God? He will never change. Set your focus on him, not on your fears. Hold fast to His promises that you read in the Bible. Cling like mad to the grace giving cross.

This grace, it will carry you, it will cast out all fear.

It's over a pumpkin scone and our now-cold coffee, I plead with you to look to Jesus and hold on to Him like mad because the ride is wild and your heart it fragile but his grace is and always will be sufficient for you.

This would also be the point in our coffee date where things would just just a little too sappy for me and I would probably make a face at you to make us both laugh.

But really, friend, tell me about your fears and your feelings. Tell me what kind of coffee you'd order. Reassure me that I'm not the only one who makes faces when things get too real.