Saturday, March 1, 2014

Hard and Bad are not the Same

Recently I was driving a new friend home and she was asking about my job. I told her the ins and outs of what it looked like to spend my life loving college students, how my heart beats for discipling women and how I praise God each month I get a paycheck because I have the most amazing team of supporters.

As we talked about support raising, I told her of my journey. That is was hard and long but so so good because I got to see show up in so many ways. When speaking of my seasons of support raising it is easy for me to say "Hard and Bad are not the same"

But then when some of your best friends look into your life and help you see how you are drowning and need to let some things go, it's so much harder to say "Hard and Bad are not the same"

Because of the love, wisdom, and prayers of two women who I trust and respect I've decided to step away from my roles and responsibilities on the internet for a season.

You see, over the last couple years I've gotten really good at saying YES and really bad at saying NO. I've found that I like to be needed, I like being able to say yes to a need simply because it is a need. My pride and insecurities have been fueled by saying yes when I'm needed. I would see an area that needed hands or feet and I would just jump in. I said yes, not because it was the best fit for my gifts, passions and personality, but because I could.

So I kept saying yes because I like feeling needed. And then because I was listening to the voice of pride within me, I didn't know how to tell anyone that I couldn't handle it anymore.

I felt like I was drowning in the internet. From logging into facebook and getting literally hundreds of notifications daily, to being so behind on my emails that I just wanted to delete everything. My to-do list was perpetually long, as soon as I accomplished one thing, I had 5 more things to add. I felt like I was trying to scoop up sand, I couldn't gather faster than it was falling through my fingers.

All I wanted to do was hide in a corner and cry. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even verbalize how desperately I needed help.

Thank you Jesus for dear friends who could see my mess.

Over coffee, my tears flowed as my sweet friend helped me climb out of my pit. She helped draw the lines where I needed to say no, she gave me the courage to be okay with not being perfect, she pointed me to Jesus the only One who could really save me.

But for as much as I feel relief, it is hard to say goodbye to something you love.

I am sad. It is hard. It feels like I've failed.

But Hard and Bad are not the same.

I've never felt so tenderly and personally loved by Jesus as I have this week. From prayer nights, to coffee dates, to very specific scriptures, the Lord's grace has been flowing over me this week. His lovingkidness has been magnified in my soul this week. It has been such a blessing.

Because Hard and Bad are not the same.

God is good.

(I'm taking a few months to go back to the basics- sharing the gospel, discipling girls, building community and most importantly being with Jesus. I'm stepping back from my roles at Missional Women (both the site and the conference), blogging here, and spending far less time on social media. Thank you for your grace. I love you dear friends)


2 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you. And I love you. And I miss you-- really big.

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  2. Great post, Angi. I love your honesty and your openness to God's voice even when it isn't easy.

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